Humorous Quotes Funny Quotes for Kids
Y'all know how the saying goes: Laughter is the all-time medicine. And there'southward then much truth to that erstwhile aphorism. If yous're having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a piddling auspicious upwardly, humour tin can aid ease the tension and create a fiddling pocket of joy among life's stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that grin and plow effectually someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We've got funny quotes nearly love, union, aging, parenting, and then many more relatable topics. Take hold of your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk-bound to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious — and we're all much better off laughing so nosotros don't cry!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians similar Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. You'll also find express joy-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms similar The Office, and funny-merely-oh-so-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our listing and bookmark it to come back to someday you demand a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Cheque out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes Well-nigh Life
1. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That'southward one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
2. "There is no sunrise then beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I ever cook with wine. Sometimes I even add information technology to the food."
—W.C. Fields
4. "People say money is non the central to happiness, merely I have always figured if you take plenty coin, you tin take a key made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do not take life likewise seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
vi. "I more often than not avoid temptation unless I can't resist information technology."
―Mae Due west
seven. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and y'all don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brownish
viii. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
nine. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with pregnant and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "You only live one time, just if you lot do it correct, once is enough."
―Mae West
eleven. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try once more. Then quit. No use existence a damn fool about it."
―Westward.C. Fields
12. "I beloved mankind... it's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
13. "I remember God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
14. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to exist afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
fifteen. "Ii things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
16. "When life gives y'all lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that'due south troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
19. "I have a lot of growing up to practise. I realized that the other 24-hour interval within my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to lie on the beach and consume hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office
21. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I call back, 'Would an idiot practise that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Role
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you tin do the day afterwards tomorrow just likewise."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for xl years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't take anything nice to say about anybody, come sit past me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea handbag: You can't tell how potent she is until yous put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you desire is someone who will take the bus with y'all when the limo breaks downwardly."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as expert. Luckily, this is not hard."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I potable to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Vino is abiding proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When y'all're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'thou not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I besides know that I'grand non blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my cupboard."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
33. "Crying is for evidently women. Pretty women become shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every iv Americans is suffering from some form of mental disease. Think of your three all-time friends. If they're OK, then it'due south y'all." —Rita Mae Dark-brown
35. "My friends tell me I take an intimacy problem. Only they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half total. Me, I just beverage whatever's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gilt Girls
37. "I don't care what they say nearly me. I but want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste product so much time thinking most how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-subversive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
xl. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't remember it's natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Crumbling
41. "The hole-and-corner of staying young is to alive honestly, swallow slowly, and prevarication about your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Honey, time marches on and eventually you lot realize it is marchin' beyond your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your medico, instead of by the constabulary."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you stay looking so immature?' I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'k old, so I'm giving information technology anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Aureate Girls
46. "No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You lot're one-time, y'all sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
47. "You know you're getting former when y'all stoop to necktie your shoelaces and wonder what else y'all could exercise while you're down there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't thing unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As you get older, three things happen. The showtime is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
l. "Before you lot ally a person, you should first make them utilise a computer with slow Internet service to see who they actually are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women ally men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to exercise then much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Dearest is bullheaded but marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The hugger-mugger to a long matrimony is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The all-time manner to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're besides old to exercise it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "As a man in a relationship, y'all accept a simple selection. You tin either exist right, or you tin exist happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every nifty man is a adult female rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The but thing worse than being talked well-nigh is not being talked almost."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a assistant."
—Betty White
61. "If y'all tin can't exist kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had whatever."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Bill Watterson
64. "Don't be so apprehensive — yous are not that cracking."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a good hazard to close up."
―Volition Rogers
66. "I've had great success being a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that brand you happy inside the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to sky for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes as well long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't go around saying the world owes y'all a living. The world owes you goose egg. It was here kickoff."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston South. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the loftier road and how high information technology should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the earth needs wisdom. If y'all cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just bear like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else'due south path unless yous're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means y'all should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who recollect they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty equally himself, and hates them for information technology."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it tin can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes Most Parenting
eighty. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a dainty, safety playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your business firm while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "Information technology is non easy beingness a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do information technology."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Aureate Girls
84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to exist when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family unit." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes Nigh Piece of work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing chore."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a identify to alive life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office
90. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The best style to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework tin't kill y'all, merely why have the adventure?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later yous have to kickoff all over again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I tin can sit and await at information technology for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I e'er arrive late at the office, simply I make up for it by leaving early on."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being defenseless in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The only thing that e'er sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Dark-brown
98. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All you demand in this life is ignorance and conviction — then success is sure."
—Mark Twain
100. "Even if you are on the correct track, you volition become run over if you lot only sit there."
—Will Rogers
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